fear of health

I am reading a book called “Emotional Intelligence”, recommended by Adam from “30 bananas a day”. I feel that there are some self destructive issues in my life that I want to deal with.

I have been coming up against some “road blocks” in making healthy choices. Ever since I’ve started eating 80/10/10 the longest I have been able to stay eating this way has been for 3 months straight. On average I can make 3 or 4 days and then I find that I feel incredibly good and as much as I enjoy that feeling it very foreign to me and I reach out for what’s familiar.

Ever since I was a baby I have lived with pain and sickness. When I was a 4 month old baby my right leg was burned from hot water from the bathroom sink. I was left in the sink while my mom was out of the room, somehow the hot water got turned on and the water ran onto my leg for quite a while. Most of my childhood was spend in and out of hospitals getting skin graphs on my leg. So with all the surgeries I’ve had and then becoming sick and depressed at the age of 12, my whole life up until the age of 34 has been full of hospitals and sickness. That is all I had ever known, sickness is very familiar and comfortable to me.
So now that I have found health I am stepping into unfamiliar territory. When I eat healthy, feel healthy and live healthy I feel great on one level but I also feel scared and bare on another level. I find myself purposefully eating foods that I know will bring me down because I want to feel that blanket of sickness. I want what’s familiar to me. I also have no childhood memories attached to fruits and vegetables. We ate very few of those in my childhood home and our fruit intake was composed of fruit pies from Eddie’s bakery…which actually don’t even have real fruit.
So how do I change this self destructive behavior? How can I feel comfortable in a healthy thriving body?
I just keep at it. It is like learning a foreign language, there comes a point in the learning process where everything clicks. There is not an option for me to go back to eating fast food and being sick all the time. That I cannot live with…I am all about self improvement. I want to become the very best person I can be…mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Now that I have tasted the sweet nectar of health, I will continue on that path.
I have read it can take years to fully transition into a healthy raw diet. In November it will be year number 4 for me..with 2 years as 80/10/10 raw vegan. This is a little discouraging to me, but not that much. I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I spent 34 years living my old patterns and only 4 in changing those patterns to new ones. Some people have been able to jump into eating right without looking back…they just go 100% and stay that way. I haven’t been able to do that, but I will get there. I just keep filling myself with knowledge and work on loving myself and my body every day. I am only becoming better.


All of my life I felt sick. I remember especially at age 12 I started having IBS in the form of chronic diarrhea. Also at the age of 12 was when I started having severe depression and mood swings. During the lunch hour at school I would sit in a corner by myself in a state of extreme depression. As I grew older I continued to slowly gain weight and continued to feel worse and worse. In my mid 20’s I started taking anti-depressants, which would help temporarily but then I would after a while I would have to take more in order to feel their effects. By the time I was 34 years old I felt so sick all the time that I was sure I was dying and my depression was worse than ever even though I was on the highest dose of effexor that they would allow. I was also at my heaviest then, weighing 250lbs, eating fast food three times a day and guzzling a 6 pack of pepsi daily. I went to doctor after doctor only to be told over and over again that it was all in my head and nothing was wrong with my body. Finally in one of my emergency room visits after getting an ultra sound I was told that my gal bladder was full of stones and needed to be taken out. Surgery was scheduled a month out and I wasn’t sure if I would survive another month. At the time I felt I would get better if I could just make it to surgery. I was sure that my gal bladder is what had been causing all of my health problems since I was 12. After the surgery I went straight to Sonic and got my favorite breakfast burrito. I immediately broke out into a sweat and the pain in my body was even worse than before surgery. I was devastated and called the surgeon only to be told by the nurse that some people don’t get better right away and it could take a year before I got better. I didn’t think I would last a year.

Somehow I was determined to survive. One day I was so miserable and in pain laying in bed when this infomercial came one. I felt too bad to even bother to change the channel. The guy on TV was talking about how the food we were being fed was bad for us and that we could heal our bodies by changing our diets. He was selling a book “What they don’t want you to know” by Kevin Trudeau…or something close to that. I was so sick and desperate that I ordered the book, thinking it can’t make me any worse! A few days later the book arrived and I dove into it. It talked about all the preservatives, chemicals, pesticides that are in our food and how the food was making people sick. I thought…I’ve got nothing to lose…so I changed what I ate. I started cooking at home instead of heading to McDonalds or ordering pizza. I started to feel a little better but not great. Just feeling a little better though made me realize that changing what I ate could make me feel better. I started reading more about food and one day came across an article that talked about raw food and living enzymes. Ah-ha…I thought, maybe I am not producing my own enzymes and I should eat food that has living enzymes in it. So I switched to eating raw fruits and veggies. I immediately felt fantastic within a day. I had no idea I could feel so good since I had never felt that good at any point in my entire life. I went on a roller coaster for about 6 months where I would eat all fruit and veggies for a few days and feel so good but then I would feel so hungry I thought I would starve to death and eat some cooked food. As soon as I would eat the cooked food I would immediately feel horrible..literally within a few minutes of eating the food. After about six months of this cycle I decided that I was done feeling bad and I went 100% raw. I felt so good and had great energy. Not only that I seemed to think quicker and clearer. I decided to quit taking my anti-depressants since my depression seemed to be gone. I quit taking effexor cold turkey…which is a very very bad idea…I went through 3 months of horrible drug withdrawls. After coming out of that horrible experience I felt even better, so I decided to quit smoking cigarettes..which was hard, but nothing like getting off effexor.
So here I was eating all raw fruits and veggies and feeling amazing, losing weight like crazy while having endless amounts of energy. The only think missing was other people who ate like me. I started searching for other raw foodies who lived in Boise and I found them. They introduced me to a whole different world of raw food eating. I was shown how to soak nuts and seeds, how to make raw brownies, raw pies, raw crackers…etc. I started making all of these great recipes and eating tons of prepared raw foods. I didn’t really even need to eat fruits and veggies anymore I could eat all this other food that tasted just like to food I was “used to”, the food I grew up eating. After about 3 month of eating like this I started to feel bad again. I started to feel depressed, gain weight, have mood swings. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I was eating “the best diet in the world”, why was my health failing again?
It was around this time in my life that I met a lady named Michele who was attending a raw food class I was co-teaching. Michele told me about a book called 80/10/10 by Dr. Doug Graham. She said that maybe I was eating too many fats. I was skeptical but I read the book anyway. The book made logical sense and I thought I should at least try what Dr. Graham was suggesting. In the book he was saying that our diets need to be made up of mostly fruits and veggies with very little nuts, seeds, avocado’s or any overt fats. 80 percent carbs, 10 percent fat, 10 percent protein. So I started eating fruits and veggies again and immediately felt better, just like before when I started eating them.
So this is where I am at. 2 years later I am still eating 80/10/10. I do slip up now and then and even eat cooked food at times but I always regret it and feel my very best when I follow 80/10/10 a hundred percent. I continue to struggle with my food addictions, but my life is incredible over all.
In another blog I will share how I made a connection to the earth and how that changed my life in such a way I got rid of my truck and am now a year round cyclist. Also this year I planted 14 fruit trees around my neighborhood.