Fear of Grief

Fear of Grief

Dear Friends,

A friend of mine died in a tragic scooter accident a couple of days ago. We were not close but had messaged each other a few times because our lives paralleled in many ways. Even though we were not close, I have been deeply grieving her death. She was 6 months pregnant and had a 5 year old son. I was so excited about her pregnancy, she was 41 and I had Angel when I was 42. She practiced attachment parenting and still breast fed her 5 year old son. My heart breaks for that little boy, they were so close.

All day yesterday I felt sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t grief and that I was accepting of what is. I told myself this happened because it was supposed to happen and that we all die when we are meant to. Telling myself all that was not making me feel any better.

Finally this morning I realized that it was ok for me to feel sad and grieve. That grief was part of getting to the place of acceptance and I couldn’t just skip over it and joyfully carry on. So I gave myself permission to grieve. The tears have been flowing off and on all day. Through this allowing, some of my fears have surfaced. I went deep with the fears. I came to understand that I do not fear death as much as I fear grief. Just the thought of processing the death of one of my children is terrifying. The grief would be overwhelming and I never want to experience that.

Then I pull myself out of “what if” thoughts because they only cause me unnecessary suffering. I get back into the moment. My children are alive as I write this. My friend is dead. I will continue to practice the process of grieving her no longer being here on earth in human form. I’ve noticed when I let my grief flow without resistance that it is not painful. It feels rich and healing and I feel incredibly alive. When I hold the grief in and resist it, it hurts and physically makes me feel sick.

I am grateful for this opportunity to grieve. I know it won’t be my last opportunity since we all die and truly we all die when we are meant to, even if it doesn’t seem that way. We can’t see the big picture and God doesn’t make mistakes.

I appreciate grief.

I appreciate life.

I appreciate laughter.

I appreciate breath.

I appreciate beating hearts.

I appreciate death.

Thank you for reading my blog and appreciations.

I appreciate you!

Sadly yours,

Victoria

p.s. Breakfast: 16 oz cucumber, celery, apple juice. 16oz  watermelon juice.

2nd breakfast: 6 altaulfo mangos.

Lunch: 4 banana nice cream.

Snack: a handful of almonds and coconut probiotic.

Dinner: salad with lettuce, avocado and strawberries.

 

 

2 Comments

  • Kara

    May 12, 2017 at 3:52 pm Reply

    Thank you for always sharing your heart with us, Victoria. I send positive energy to embrace every part of your heart. I’m in grief right now… I’ve always had difficulties allowing myself the space to feel sadness… to not keep it inside. I can more easily cry for others than myself…. my boyfriend has encouraged me to study the joy of lachrymology. What suggestions do you have to help me open up and grieve?

    • Vibrant Victoria

      May 12, 2017 at 4:50 pm Reply

      Thank you so much for your comment. My suggestion on allowing grief is to freely let it out big…yell as loud as you can, cry loudly and roll around. Find a place to be alone to do this and do it until there is nothing more that can come out. You will get endorphins from the big release and will feel much better. The grief might come back later, just let it out again and again.
      Another thing I suggest is listen to Eckhart Tolle, Kyle Cease and Byron Katie on YouTube. Start working through your fears and exposing their lies. Get in touch with your truth. Everything we think in our minds is made up by us and is not real. Our fears scare us only when we believe they are true. We draw the picture of the monster and then are scared whenever we see our own drawing.
      There is only love and fear. If we are not in a place of love we are in a place of fear.

      Much love to you,
      Victoria

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