A friend of mine died in a tragic scooter accident a couple of days ago. We were not close but had messaged each other a few times because our lives paralleled in many ways. Even though we were not close, I have been deeply grieving her death. She was 6 months pregnant and had a 5 year old son. I was so excited about her pregnancy, she was 41 and I had Angel when I was 42. She practiced attachment parenting and still breast fed her 5 year old son. My heart breaks for that little boy, they were so close.
All day yesterday I felt sick to my stomach. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t grief and that I was accepting of what is. I told myself this happened because it was supposed to happen and that we all die when we are meant to. Telling myself all that was not making me feel any better.
Finally this morning I realized that it was ok for me to feel sad and grieve. That grief was part of getting to the place of acceptance and I couldn’t just skip over it and joyfully carry on. So I gave myself permission to grieve. The tears have been flowing off and on all day. Through this allowing, some of my fears have surfaced. I went deep with the fears. I came to understand that I do not fear death as much as I fear grief. Just the thought of processing the death of one of my children is terrifying. The grief would be overwhelming and I never want to experience that.
Then I pull myself out of “what if” thoughts because they only cause me unnecessary suffering. I get back into the moment. My children are alive as I write this. My friend is dead. I will continue to practice the process of grieving her no longer being here on earth in human form. I’ve noticed when I let my grief flow without resistance that it is not painful. It feels rich and healing and I feel incredibly alive. When I hold the grief in and resist it, it hurts and physically makes me feel sick.
I am grateful for this opportunity to grieve. I know it won’t be my last opportunity since we all die and truly we all die when we are meant to, even if it doesn’t seem that way. We can’t see the big picture and God doesn’t make mistakes.
I appreciate grief.
I appreciate life.
I appreciate laughter.
I appreciate breath.
I appreciate beating hearts.
I appreciate death.
Thank you for reading my blog and appreciations.
I appreciate you!
p.s. Breakfast: 16 oz cucumber, celery, apple juice. 16oz watermelon juice.
2nd breakfast: 6 altaulfo mangos.
Lunch: 4 banana nice cream.
Snack: a handful of almonds and coconut probiotic.
Dinner: salad with lettuce, avocado and strawberries.