Today was a very difficult but incredible day.
I woke up at 5:30 a.m. I felt groggy and my mind was “cloudy”. I felt weak physically and had no motivation. I tried going back to sleep for a while, but couldn’t seem to fall back asleep.
At 8 a.m. I went to breakfast. I was very hungry and crabby. They were serving watermelon and it looked so yummy. I wasn’t enjoying sitting there watching everyone eat. I had been fasting and drinking only water for about 20 hours. My mind was so cloudy that I couldn’t even follow what the meeting was about. It was about a half hour into the meeting that voices in my head started. I was not expecting this to happen at all. In the past the voices have only started up when I had eaten certain things. I was very scared and didn’t know why this was happening.
I got up and went to my room. I locked all the doors, went into the bathroom and cried and screamed and cried some more. I didn’t want anyone to see me in this state. How could this be happening here in Costa Rica? Why?
The voices were loud and telling me horrible things…as always…such as “go jump in the fast part of the river”, “hit your head on the concrete wall”, “pull your hair”, “claw your face”, “just sneak away and leave this place”, “run into the jungle”. On and on the voices went. I kept screaming for them to shut up. I tried pulling myself together, after all…I am the head intern. I am supposed to be a leader while I am here…I can’t be freaking out.
I came out of my room and was walking around…trying to get the voices to stop. Doug saw me and asked me to come sit by him. He wanted to know what was up, it was obvious I was not my usual self. I told him that I wasn’t doing very well and that there were voices in my head. He told me that fasting can bring things out sometimes and to take the day off. That is most of what I remember for a few hours. There are bits and pieces that I can recall. I remember sleeping for a while, walking around, talking to a few other interns and fasters…who knows what I said.
Around 2:30 Grant came and talked to me. The voices were starting to get quieter by that time. We had a great talk. He kept assuring me that what I was going through was ok and that I was surrounded by people that loved me. Thank you Grant!
Doug suggested that I eat a little bit, like 2 banana’s blended up with a lot of water to see if the sugar would help my mind clear up. At about 4 p.m. I drank some banana smoothie. It tasted sooo good. I didn’t feel any different physically, though the voices were completely gone by then.
Right before dinner all the pain I had when urinating was gone.
Dinner was cut up papaya, mango and pineapple salad, with cucumber noodles on the side. It looked so yummy. I had some cucumber noodles and a small piece of pineapple. Instantly I felt the burning sensation come back in my urinary tract…arggg. Despite that, my mind was super clear and I felt so happy and energetic. I felt better than I had felt in months….yay! I felt joyful and vibrant again. I hadn’t felt that way since early October. I went on an evening walk and came across some little frogs. They were singing away, so cute. I sat and watched them and took a few pictures. They were a great ending to a very challenging day.
I’ve also been weighing myself every day. The first day I weighed 152.4 lbs. Today I weighed 151.2 lbs.
I’m not sure if I will continue to semi-fast tomorrow. I will see how I feel in the morning.