Hello emotions! Here they come….day 6 of eating all low fat raw.
Last night I read some before bed. A book called “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”. It’s a really good book and is making me want to ride on a motorcycle. I went to sleep around 11 p.m.
Woke up this morning at 8 a.m., didn’t sleep very good and didn’t want to wake up. I really didn’t have a choice though since there was some big machinery outside making a racket. I made 64 0z. of fresh squeezed tangelo juice and went outside to make some phone calls. My last call was to my sister. I felt somewhat frustrated after the call. I guess there is a part of me that wants my sister to “get me” and realistically that is never going to happen.
I came back in and got on the computer. I was still feeling frustrated and empty. I just wanted to zone out on the computer and not think. A part of me was thinking…but you’re in Hawaii and it is a beautiful day out…and you want to stay inside and zone out? The other part of me ignored that voice of reason and continued to zone. Savana kept coming up to talk to me and messing up my zoning out. I felt angry and asked her in not so nice of a way to “please, just leave me alone for 5 minutes…I need some alone time”. She went away and I stayed on the computer for another hour or so.
Finally I decided to go ahead with my plans of walking to the Kilauea lighthouse. I told Savana to get ready and we headed off. I was told it was only about a mile walk and I was glad to be outside getting fresh air and exercise. I brought along my ipod and turned up the music to continue my zone mode. Savana immediately started complaining that it was hot and wanted to know why we had to walk. I became angry with her again and told her that I didn’t want to hear any complaining about exercise. She started pouting behind me and I just turned up my music louder and kept walking.
We got to a parking area and lookout before the lighthouse and there was a sign saying that no pedestrians could enter..only cars. Ok…interesting. Savana went off to sit in the shade and I stood looking out at the ocean for a while, thinking about what we should do. I got out the camera and called Savana over to take a picture of her with the view. There was another couple next to me and they asked if I wanted them to take a picture of both of us together. I told them that would be great and did the same for them. Then I asked if they were going into the park with the lighthouse. They said they were and I asked if we could ride in with them since we came on foot. They were happy to help and we rode in with them.
At the entrance to the park at the pay booth Savana was given a chart to fill out about the birds and plants she will see along the path. We had a good time filling out the chart on the walk to the lighthouse. We also saw some sea turtles swimming and had fun looking through the binoculars and different things. We when we got to the lighthouse I spent quite a while looking out at the ocean and felt much more peaceful. Back in the parking lot there was an older couple walking to their car. I asked if we could ride out with them. The man thought about it a minute and asked if I was going to hit him over the head or anything. A little stunned I assured him we just needed a ride out to the lookout area since no pedestrians were allowed to walk the narrow road. He said that should be fine. So we got in and started talking. Him and his wife are from northern Minnesota and are visiting for 17 days. When we got to the lookout area they asked if we wanted to ride all the way into Kilauea. I was thinking the walk back would be good, but Savana said “oh yes please!” So they took us the rest of the way into town.
When we got to Janie’s house she was getting ready to leave to pick up Darrel at the farm. I felt like I needed to keep myself busy and not go back into my zone, so Savana and I went along. On the drive I mentioned to Janie my phone call to my sister and shared with her some of my family history and she did the same back. I also feasted on a bunch of rambutan’s. I felt slightly light headed from the rambutan’s and realized that I hadn’t eaten very many greens yesterday. When we got to the farm I grabbed a bunch of katook (a very yummy green leaf) and munched on a whole lot of it. I immediately felt better and more grounded.
While at the farm we picked up Darrel, did an errand, stopped at the hardware store and drove back. The drive back was fun…the music was going…Savana and I were car dancing together in the back seat to Lady Gaga.
Back at the house Janie and I were in the kitchen making dinner together. I told her I was feeling so angry today and I didn’t know why. Very wisely she mentioned maybe it had to do with my phone call to my sister. The light bulb when on in my head…oh yeah..that’s it. I made up my dinner of shredded carrots, zucchini, jicama covered in tomato sauce made with freshly dehydrated tomato’s, tomato’s, fresh squeezed tangelo and lemon juice and green onion stems. I sat down to eat my meal and the first bite was so unsatisfying. I didn’t want that…I wanted something more…something heavy….something to make me numb…maybe I could make some steamed brown rice…that wouldn’t be too harmful on my system. This food was too light and I was sick of it. I knew what was happening. It happens every time I eat all fruits and veggies and especially happens when I start having to deal with my emotions. I quickly reminded myself of what I was feeling and started eating my very unsatisfying meal. I took a few bites and then wondered where Janie was. I knew she had just made her meal of shredded carrots, parsley and lemon juice and I thought we could eat together. I found her in her room happily munching away. I sat down with her and told her mine didn’t taste good. She tasted it and said it tasted good to her. I started eating it again and with each bite it seemed to be tasting better and better. Janie and I talked as we both ate our meals, before I knew it I had finished it all and felt very full and very satisfied.
After dinner I came into my room and skyped my friend Doug. We had a really good talk. I shared with him how I was feeling and the emptiness inside of me. It was a great talk. He suggested I figure out what I am wanting from my sister that I am not giving myself…or something like that…I can’t remember exactly, strange how I happened to forget what he said, the key to getting to the bottom of my anger today. I guess I will have to ask him again.
So to summarize the day. I am so grateful for having such wonderful friends. I love being surrounded by people that encourage me and are full of wisdom. It was a tough day for me, but I made it through. I resisted the temptation to suppress my emotions with food and stayed strong. I am staying on this path of loving my body and giving it only the best food. I am not going to quit…so bring those emotions on! I’m ready.